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  • #16
    Originally posted by AllenUnknown View Post
    My Aunt Clara telling me the truth was the best thing that anyone ever did for me.
    As you didn't say step-aunt I gather that Clara is your mother's sister not "Red's"? Is there any chance that she knows more and could tell you if you persisted (i.e. explained to her how much it means to you to know as much as you can).

    Is your mother still alive? If so, do you think she maybe would/could talk about it under the right (calm and non-judgmental) circumstances?

    You may well have already gone down these next paths, but if not here are some things to consider to augment DNA testing:

    Was you mother quite young when she conceived? Those in similar situations to yours have written here that they checked school year books, etc, for likely "candidates".

    Where she worked at the time can also provide clues. (In my line, my father's mother's mother had her 3 children ex-wedlock by 3 different fellows, and ended up marrying a guy who was no relation to any of the kids. I may be the only person alive in the family who knows this. I worked out who possibly fathered my grandmother by researching where my great grandmother worked at the time of the conception and subsequently I found her admission and separation records in the archives of the unmarried mother's home where she gave birth and where she named the father, thereby confirming my suspicion.)

    Also, if your mother grew up in a small town, there's likely people still living in that community who know, or could suggest, a "candidate".

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    • #17
      My Mom was 24 y.o. when I was born. She was from a small town. But the family moved to California when I was 4 y.o. She was basically disowned by her mother and family back then. In the 50s in there was two things you didnt want to be; a communist or an unwed mother! She has a lot of shame and guilt. She is still alive. I have tried to talk with her, but she becomes angry and refuses to talk to me. We have been estranged for a number of years. Its hard dealing with someone who has told you dozens of times that you ruined their life. My 1/2 siblings asked me not to talk to her about it because it upsets her. So that is where it stands and probably where it ends. She is in her 80s and if she hasnt been forthcoming by now, I dont see that changing. My aunt Clara, who confirmed my suspicions, has passed away. All she knew was the guy was swedish(scandinavian), tall, with blue eyes. Maybe from New Richmond,Wisconsin. She only met him briefly a couple times and had no memory of his name. It baffles me, how someone can lie to their own child. I appreciate the opportunity to vent my frustration on this forum. I am amazed at all the responses I have recieved. Many thanks!

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Yaffa View Post
        You could also try taking the 23andme test since they do have some different markers than Family Finder and this way you may get more matches.
        FTDNA now uses the same chip as 23andMe for FF, so there's no difference in markers (although we're really talking SNPs for those tests). You might get more matches by testing there, but many of them aren't interested in genealogy. I've tried contacting a dozen now, and the only response was from a guy whose profile was already public. Your mileage may vary.

        On the other hand, there are third party tools you can already use with your FF data, to match people from 23andMe who've also uploaded their data. I've had good luck at GEDMatch, since the participants are self-selected.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by AllenUnknown View Post
          It baffles me, how someone can lie to their own child. I appreciate the opportunity to vent my frustration on this forum. I am amazed at all the responses I have recieved. Many thanks!
          More women do this than you know. There are many adoptees I have met who's birth mothers wont tell their children who their father is. Your not alone. Why they have to lie to their children?? SELFISH!!! I have no sympathy for people who do this. It's your right to know where you came from so good luck to you finding the truth

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          • #20
            I'm glad you have some answers. I have a similar situation, but most everyone around me knew about the affair my mother had with my biological father. So I had the names. I was able to locate a half-sibling & confirm my paterenity w/siblingship test. I have a supportive family-of-origin. I encourage you to keep working at it and these truths will help bring more peace to you. I look forward to hearing more about your story!

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            • #21
              I recommend that you go to theregistry group on Yahoo, it is an adoptee search/reunion and support group. It does not matter that you are not officially an adoptee (though in a way you are concerning "Red" ). "Search angels" there can help you search for the identity of your birth father. They help others for free.

              Please remember that you are not responsible for "ruining" your mother's life. Shame on those who try to blame you. NEVER think that anything is your fault, or that it is wrong to ask questions about your birth father. What is hurting your mother is the lie that she has carried for all these years, and the truth will set her free.

              I look forward to seeing you on theregistry site.

              Judy

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              • #22
                Originally posted by AllenUnknown View Post
                It baffles me, how someone can lie to their own child.
                I've known it to be a quite a large club. My adoptive mother was deceased by the time I found out and for the next 25 years my adoptive father refused to acknowledge that I was adopted. He took whatever he knew to his grave. By the time he died, I already knew more about my biological parents than he did. I found my first mom two years later (2009).

                What I love about DNA is: you may not get all the answers, but it's not because someone is lying to you or deliberately withholding the truth.

                Gaye
                impatient adoptee still waiting for the magic Second Cousin match that will confirm who my father was

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                • #23
                  I share, to a very tiny degree, your frustration. I'm like 3 generations out from an adoption. So I don't want to come on like I 100pct feel your pain or some other phony cliche--I understand that it's a little bit different when it's your own personal origin story that's the subject of mystery.

                  But to play Devil's advocate here, sometimes parents have a good reason to lie to their children. Your biological parents may have been horrible people and your adoptive parents may have been afraid of losing your love.

                  I still don't know my grandfather's complete story, but 20 years and several archived police reports later, I understand completely why my parents blanched and clammed up when I asked about that grandfather.

                  I never believed them at the time, and although I'd certainly do all the research all over again, but sometimes the answers really are horrible.

                  Originally posted by GayeSherman View Post
                  I've known it to be a quite a large club. My adoptive mother was deceased by the time I found out and for the next 25 years my adoptive father refused to acknowledge that I was adopted. He took whatever he knew to his grave. By the time he died, I already knew more about my biological parents than he did. I found my first mom two years later (2009).

                  What I love about DNA is: you may not get all the answers, but it's not because someone is lying to you or deliberately withholding the truth.

                  Gaye
                  impatient adoptee still waiting for the magic Second Cousin match that will confirm who my father was

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Frederator View Post

                    I never believed them at the time, and although I'd certainly do all the research all over again, but sometimes the answers really are horrible.
                    Yes, the truth can be hard to wrap your head around. That's why you have to be prepared to find anything and everything.

                    My adoptive mother once mentioned that a cousin of mine was "screwed up" because her (adoptive) parents told her she was adopted. Little did I know that was exactly the truth she was withholding from me.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Frederator View Post
                      I share, to a very tiny degree, your frustration. I'm like 3 generations out from an adoption. So I don't want to come on like I 100pct feel your pain or some other phony cliche--I understand that it's a little bit different when it's your own personal origin story that's the subject of mystery.

                      But to play Devil's advocate here, sometimes parents have a good reason to lie to their children. Your biological parents may have been horrible people and your adoptive parents may have been afraid of losing your love.

                      I still don't know my grandfather's complete story, but 20 years and several archived police reports later, I understand completely why my parents blanched and clammed up when I asked about that grandfather.

                      I never believed them at the time, and although I'd certainly do all the research all over again, but sometimes the answers really are horrible.
                      I truly believe that the truth is best regardless of what it is. It is the adoptees story and he/she needs to know it so they can have closure. Nobody knows what they will find, but it should be available to any adoptee who chooses to seek the answers. We are talking about adults here, who in most cases, can handle the truth. It is the lies and secrecy that do the damage. Everyone has a right to know where they came from, their heritage, family ancestry, regardless of how wonderful or horrible it may be.
                      Last edited by nolnacsj; 5 April 2011, 11:41 PM.

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                      • #26
                        There is no time limit. My great grandfather was adopted and I HAD to get to the bottom of it all. I did, despite relatives' attempts to dissuade and deceive. When it comes to telling an adoptee he/she is adopted and their's is a horrible story, the person needs to take care how he/she will tell the adoptee. By saying to begin with, something like: you know, sometimes life is not the way you would wish, there are hard times that lead to hard decisions and I wish I could tell you that your bio parents were nice people in a dire predicament but he truth is he/she/they... It's all in the way you tell it to soften the blow.

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                        • #27
                          There was an article a year or two ago about a man, raised by his single mother, who found out that his biodad is...Charles Manson.

                          It took a while for him to wrap his head around it but he said he didn't regret knowing and has actually corresponded with "Charlie", as he calls him.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Yaffa View Post
                            More women do this than you know. There are many adoptees I have met who's birth mothers wont tell their children who their father is. Your not alone. Why they have to lie to their children?? SELFISH!!! I have no sympathy for people who do this. It's your right to know where you came from so good luck to you finding the truth
                            My birth mother also refuses to tell me who my father is. She told me he was Italian and denied everything and said that she won't talk about it. She's a stubborn as a mule and I know she never will. I don't know if it's because he hurt her or some other reason, but I'm out of luck. Thats why I'm on here doing Family Finder and not one Italian name showing up. LOL

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                            • #29
                              I'm relieved to read that I am not the only one who is several generations out from an adoption or non-paternal event and still feels a need to know the truth. These secrets can have ripple effects in a family.

                              An update on my Minnesota search: I did eventually connect by phone with a very nice woman who does the post adoption searches. She is looking through those old records from 1902. Not optimistic about finding anything, but at least she validated my sense that there was something very odd about my grandmother's birth certificate. (In that time and place, no official would be likely to "confuse" Slovenian and Finnish!)

                              Blair

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                              • #30
                                "The greatest lies are often clothed in silence". Ain't that the truth. Although society has changed how it views unwed mothers, the shame and guilt from 50 or 60 years ago does not go away. There are 2 things one did not want to be in America in the 1950's, a communist or an unwed mother. My mother is still alive, but she will not and, I believe NEVER talk about it with me. So I have backed off. Hopefully one day, some close matches will appear on here or some other dna site. I think it is being lied to that hurts the most.

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