My illegitimate sister wants me to get a DNA test to prove that we're related

[Darren]

Hello everyone,

Since this topic is more along the lines of legal advice it is not appropriate for this forum so I will close this thread.

-Darren Marin
Family Tree DNA

[tomcat]

I never said that she doesn't deserve any inheritance. I may not inherit anything myself. My stepmother doesn't like me either. It's just that I didn't know about her until about nine months ago. She has known about me probably about forty years. Anyhow I'm pretty sure she is better off financially than me. And when I say hassle I mean dragging my/our elderly sick father into court. I was only about nine when she was born. I'm also closer to my father. Maybe I worry about him more than her. She may want money. I just want him to live as long as possible.

So, there is a conflict or, to put it another way, you are in conflict. All the other posters to this thread are weighing in on one or another side of your conflict. There is nothing wrong here, conflict is natural, human, inevitable, and painful. And there is no pain-free way out as every decision has consequences, including unforseen consequences. You can take the legal route as some suggest, that is defensible, but it may not give you what you want.

What do you want?

[twang]

quote removed

I never said that she doesn't deserve any inheritance. I may not inherit anything myself. My stepmother doesn't like me either. It's just that I didn't know about her until about nine months ago. She has known about me probably about forty years. Anyhow I'm pretty sure she is better off financially than me. And when I say hassle I mean dragging my/our elderly sick father into court. I was only about nine when she was born. I'm also closer to my father. Maybe I worry about him more than her. She may want money. I just want him to live as long as possible.

[Littlest bit]

What an absolutely nasty thing to post. Your comments should be removed.

What is nasty exactly? That her father would regard her the same way he regards the unacknowledged child? Interesting...

I think it was cruel given the fact the Twang didn't have to post at all here, and could have just ignored the newly found sister.

But she did post this, on a public forum. I'm intrigued by the idea that in your mind she only had 2 options: post this or ignore the sister completely. I'm thinking she had a few other options.

[thormalen]

One more point:
There is one more point I want to make now that this topic has been brought up. All of our unmarried birth mothers were nice enough people to go to term with us and go through the pain giving us up for adoption or make the decision to raise us while unmarried. Having us aborted might have been so much more convenient. That says a lot about the kind of people our birth mothers were. Thank you birth mothers. Thank you for my life. I will say nothing bad about you.

Good for you Vinnie and thank you. Not every body has been as good hearted as you and that is what brought all this up.

I think am going to give this topic up as we really seem not to be getting anywhere.

[vinnie]

Folks....I guess what it all comes down to is that I have done nothing wrong...my birth father did. My little adopted and born out of wedlock sister has never done a bad or evil thing in her life. My birth daughter that was adopted and born out of wedlock is an honest and sweet person. She was in her 20s when I did a search and found her. To insult us by putting us on the side of wrong doing and make us evil when in fact we, out of wedlock children, were victims shows wrong headedness and total lack of compassion. This is a DNA forum where people are looking for their ancestors and family history. Lets get our heads on straight and get back to helping each other accomplish those goals.

WHAT are you talking about? Who's speaking against adoptees? If you're referring to my recent response to that post, I think it was cruel given the fact the Twang didn't have to post at all here, and could have just ignored the newly found sister.

For the record, I just welcomed a 3rd cousin adoptee into my extended family and I'm helping this person to the best of my ability to track down who the birth father was. I'm also helping my cousin's husband track down his paternal family as his grandfather was a foundling in Italy, I'm helping one of my best friends with his birth parent search, and I'm still trying to confirm who my paternal great-grandmother's parents were, because she was born out of wedlock in Italy.

It's important to remember there are two sides to every story, and every story is unique. There should be no rushing to judgment for anyone involved. Unfortunately, people make mistakes, and some people do evil things.

[thormalen]

Folks....I guess what it all comes down to is that I have done nothing wrong...my birth father did. My little adopted and born out of wedlock sister has never done a bad or evil thing in her life. My birth daughter that was adopted and born out of wedlock is an honest and sweet person. She was in her 20s when I did a search and found her. To insult us by putting us on the side of wrong doing and make us evil when in fact we, out of wedlock children, were victims shows wrong headedness and total lack of compassion. This is a DNA forum where people are looking for their ancestors and family history. Lets get our heads on straight and get back to helping each other accomplish those goals.

[mollyblum]

I only refer to her as illegitimate because that's the way the law describes her. I don't think she is any less than me in any way.

Obviously this is a very personal and somewhat emotional subject for some people on this forum as evidenced by the posts.

My father was put up for adoption. It turned out when I found his birth brother that he was actually kept by their birth mother. However, the opposite was true in our case- my father is quite wealthy while his birth mother and brother are not. So there was no problem in that area.

I do not know her motives but I know how difficult it was for me when I started looking for my father's birth mother/father/brother info. I called all over the country with every person with his birth mother's last name until I eventually found a cousin from her childhood and went from there. People were very helpful. Without their assistance I never would have figured out the whole story.

I think it is up to you to decide but maybe you should think about if it was you in her position.

AB

[Lklundin]

What an absolutely nasty thing to post.

Genealogy gives me a lot of pleasant experiences.

I pity the person for whom it brings forth such nastiness.

[thormalen]

It's funny how children born in secret, and not acknowledged by their own father, get saddled with being labeled as illegitimate, and scorned, meanwhile the father gets to live happily ever after, no repercussions. We don't treat other immoral bad acts that way. As a society we demand people be accountable for actions that harm others, even when they are old or in bad health. Well, so be it...the OP's father, like mine, will not have to face what they have done and as a society we support his right to do it. I've often fantasized that my half-siblings would someday need a bone marrow transplant or organ...

I agree with this and thanks. Perhaps Creeps was a little strong and was only meant for a few of the responders. In my case my mother was taken to a party and had never had strong drink in her life. She was taken advantage of by a respected married man and I was conceived. At age 6 weeks I was placed in a home for orphans as my young mother could no longer take care of me. And I am called illegitimate and the term it is used as an insult. Folks that puts my hackles up and quick. On my own I have a masters degree, served as a US Army Paratrooper, have been a Special Agent with the US Justice Dept and a college professor. There is nothing illegitimate about me. I have been lucky I guess because the good folks on both my mothers side and my fathers side have treated me with love and respect when I did my adoption and DNA search. I see from this discussion how truly lucky I was.

[twang]

It's funny how children born in secret, and not acknowledged by their own father, get saddled with being labeled as illegitimate, and scorned, meanwhile the father gets to live happily ever after, no repercussions. We don't treat other immoral bad acts that way. As a society we demand people be accountable for actions that harm others, even when they are old or in bad health. Well, so be it...the OP's father, like mine, will not have to face what they have done and as a society we support his right to do it. I've often fantasized that my half-siblings would someday need a bone marrow transplant or organ...

I only refer to her as illegitimate because that's the way the law describes her. I don't think she is any less than me in any way.

[Littlest bit]

It's funny how children born in secret, and not acknowledged by their own father, get saddled with being labeled as illegitimate, and scorned, meanwhile the father gets to live happily ever after, no repercussions. We don't treat other immoral bad acts that way. As a society we demand people be accountable for actions that harm others, even when they are old or in bad health. Well, so be it...the OP's father, like mine, will not have to face what they have done and as a society we support his right to do it. I've often fantasized that my half-siblings would someday need a bone marrow transplant or organ...

[NYMark]

Indeed. Kinda laughable to be called a creep given that my paternity is unknown, as more than a few here are aware. The comments I made were strictly about the law, correcting some mistaken impressions, and the disclaimers were strictly standard ones. That has nothing to do with my views on the rights of adoptees or others similarly situated. I said from the get-go that legal concerns are quite likely (indeed almost certainly) overblown.

Regarding twang's feeling that "she may be up to something", that's a very troubling way of putting it. Outside of the legalities (to reiterate once more, I think they're at worst a minor concern), I would proceed from the assumption that she's motivated by a desire to learn/confirm an important part of her identity, unless and until she demonstrates some ulterior motive. Most of us don't have 'em.

What you should be doing is apologizing for speaking in generalities and address your concerns with more maturity and with specifics.

Not everyone here are "creeps". If you think that way go somewhere else where people aren't the creeps you think they are and enjoy life for a change.

I'm adopted. I never said the things other people posted and yet right after my post you said "what a bunch of creeps".

You need to apologize and approach solving your problems in a different manner.

Matt.

[EdwardRHill]

Maybe she is just worried about hearing no. Maybe you should tell her about your concerns and see how that goes than go from there. Good Luck

[twang]

Thank you all for the good advice. I haven't met my new sister in person. I've only talked to her on the phone and corresponded with her via the internet. We only live about ten miles apart. She has said that she would pay for the test. I have told her that I have no doubt that she is my sister. She looks more like my father than I do. It's just that I think she may be up to something. I tried to arrange for her to meet my father but my stepmother would have none of it.