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  • #16
    Originally posted by charlotte View Post
    Nope, not twisting anything. Your post perpetuates the adoption-propagated fear associated with people searching for and reuniting with their parents and families. It's not necessary to say "what if" because it could be anything, including rape or a one night stand or maybe an affair with the president of Uganda...who knows unless the mother actually shares her story. To the person born the situation of birth is irrelevant. He was born, period. He has the right to know who his family is. If the search is done now or in 20 years, the circumstances around conception will be the same. Years from now the parents could be impossible to find or dead.

    Gather as much information as possible now.
    Obviously, this is a very personal journey that adoptees have to decide about. They have to take into account all sorts of possibilities, both positive and negative. Since it's so personal the decision is also personal. While I agree that every adoptee has the right to find their birth parents, if they so desire, maybe some of them feel no need for that.

    I think what you fail to appreciate is that the personal decisions involved can't be decided by you making the decision for others. You can't say on behalf of others that any without doubt they should start a search for birth parents, regardless of possible negative consequences for themselves and their adoptive parents. There's not just one answer, which you seem to believe.

    I'm sure that if an adoptee wants to find their birth parents, you're a good source of advice and information. But please don't assume upon yourself being the arbiter of every adopted person's attitude toward this subject.

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    • #17
      Well presented synopsis of the situation Mmaddi, particularly as in this case I understand the adoptee is too young to be involved in the decision making.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by MMaddi View Post
        Obviously, this is a very personal journey that adoptees have to decide about. They have to take into account all sorts of possibilities, both positive and negative. Since it's so personal the decision is also personal. While I agree that every adoptee has the right to find their birth parents, if they so desire, maybe some of them feel no need for that.

        I think what you fail to appreciate is that the personal decisions involved can't be decided by you making the decision for others. You can't say on behalf of others that any without doubt they should start a search for birth parents, regardless of possible negative consequences for themselves and their adoptive parents. There's not just one answer, which you seem to believe.

        I'm sure that if an adoptee wants to find their birth parents, you're a good source of advice and information. But please don't assume upon yourself being the arbiter of every adopted person's attitude toward this subject.
        Where did I say that all adopted people want to search or should search? My point is that I believe (responding to the OP's question about what to do in this situation) the adoptive mother should find information/people sooner than later. Should the adopted son wish to follow up with it will be his choice.

        No, I am not the arbiter of all adoptees, but if the question is presented to me about searching or not searching, DNA testing or no DNA testing - I will always reply with: get information about the person's parents and family - as much as possible and do it now rather than later. I stated in the above post why the "later" may not work out. As for the positive/negative consequences - there is no way to know what will come of it if there is no attempt at searching or contacting, so spending days, weeks, months, years, decades, even, wondering what will or won't happen is just going to produce a whole lot of nothing.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by charlotte View Post
          Where did I say that all adopted people want to search or should search? My point is that I believe (responding to the OP's question about what to do in this situation) the adoptive mother should find information/people sooner than later. Should the adopted son wish to follow up with it will be his choice.

          No, I am not the arbiter of all adoptees, but if the question is presented to me about searching or not searching, DNA testing or no DNA testing - I will always reply with: get information about the person's parents and family - as much as possible and do it now rather than later. I stated in the above post why the "later" may not work out. As for the positive/negative consequences - there is no way to know what will come of it if there is no attempt at searching or contacting, so spending days, weeks, months, years, decades, even, wondering what will or won't happen is just going to produce a whole lot of nothing.
          My concern was that you were twisting the words of another poster you disagreed with, as she pointed out. I thought that your attempt to misrepresent what she wrote was because you felt her advice was not acceptable.

          I have no problem with you having another viewpoint on the subject. But I don't think it's fair to undermine and misrepresent another poster who disagrees with you.

          Although I'm not an adoptee, my great-grandfather was abandoned as an infant. I don't even know the name of the family who raised him, since I can't find his birth or marriage record in the microfilm. Finding the surname of his birth father is what got me involved in genetic genealogy. So, I do sympathize with adoptees and try to help them as much as possible.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by MMaddi View Post
            My concern was that you were twisting the words of another poster you disagreed with, as she pointed out. I thought that your attempt to misrepresent what she wrote was because you felt her advice was not acceptable.

            I have no problem with you having another viewpoint on the subject. But I don't think it's fair to undermine and misrepresent another poster who disagrees with you.

            Although I'm not an adoptee, my great-grandfather was abandoned as an infant. I don't even know the name of the family who raised him, since I can't find his birth or marriage record in the microfilm. Finding the surname of his birth father is what got me involved in genetic genealogy. So, I do sympathize with adoptees and try to help them as much as possible.
            I was not twisting the poster's words. What I interpreted (and I will say interpret because only she/he knows what was meant by those words) was that it's best not to test DNA now because of the potential emotional reactions that may occur and the poster using the rape scenario as a reason to put off testing. Again, my view is that the child born (or the guardians/adoptive parents acting on his behalf) should never be deterred from exploring family information because of circumstances or "secrets" around the the child's conception or because others are not aware of the situation.

            None of my cousins had a clue about me when I found them 30 years after being separated from my family and adopted. They knew a bit about my mother's lifestyle, but they didn't care and if it had bothered them I would have tried to work things out. In fact, they wished they'd always known me.

            If someone thinks I'm twisting their words then just tell me where and how. I'll gladly explain and if valid retract what i wrote.

            My suggestion still is to be proactive for the kid, try to find out this stuff now using all the resources available, one being DNA testing.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by charlotte View Post
              Nope, not twisting anything. Your post perpetuates the adoption-propagated fear associated with people searching for and reuniting with their parents and families.
              I'm just acknowledging the reality of the situation, not saying it SHOULD be that way. You are twisting my words to suggest I am saying it should be that way. I think adoptees should do everything in their power to find their birth parents, if that's what they want - but in this situation it's a child who has not expressed any desire to do so to begin with. Stop pushing the OP to do something that her child hasn't even shown an interest in!

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Germanica View Post
                I'm just acknowledging the reality of the situation, not saying it SHOULD be that way. You are twisting my words to suggest I am saying it should be that way. I think adoptees should do everything in their power to find their birth parents, if that's what they want - but in this situation it's a child who has not expressed any desire to do so to begin with. Stop pushing the OP to do something that her child hasn't even shown an interest in!
                Ok, one more time - it's better to find out information now on behalf of the child so she has it if and when he is ready. I really don't understand why you have a problem with that, especially knowing how difficult it can be for many people trying to find their parent(s), grandparents or an adopted ancestor through DNA.Imagine if the correct information had been gathered and tracked all along so it was available when you wanted it? We're talking about parents, family and identity, here... who wouldn't want to know the names and whereabouts of child's family? I actually can't believe nowadays that anybody would not find it absolutely mandatory that it be available. He can decide whether he wants meet them or not. But at least he will have a choice.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Germanica View Post
                  I'm just acknowledging the reality of the situation, not saying it SHOULD be that way. You are twisting my words to suggest I am saying it should be that way.
                  If it's trying to deter someone from searching/testing because of a potential rape scenario or any of the other scenarios it could be, then I simply don't agree with that. I don't think it's necessary to even put it out there. Trust me...as an adopted person I imagined rape and ten-million other scenarios why I was not with my mother, father and family. I didn't understand either why nobody knew who they were or where they lived or if they did know why I wasn't allowed to know. Bizarre stuff.

                  Wasn't trying to twist your words to imply you meant something else.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by LynCra View Post
                    Well presented synopsis of the situation Mmaddi, particularly as in this case I understand the adoptee is too young to be involved in the decision making.
                    The child wasn't involved in the decision to be separated from his family and the information kept from him, either. Based on your logic, the adoption shouldn't have taken place as the child had no say in the adoption process. No one said to the child: Do you want to live with another family and never know who we are, who your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are? What about your siblings - do you want to know them or should we keep them from you as well? And your ancestral roots and history, do you prefer we withhold that information from you or would like to know?

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                    • #25
                      Now you are putting words into my mouth too Charlotte. Time to stop putting your own personal interpretation on to every other post. This is not helping the original poster.

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                      • #26
                        Closed Discussion

                        I appreciate the thought and concern for the adopted mother. This is a difficult area even for adult adoptees. The one good thing is DNA is getting better and better and so I have no doubt when the time is right that they will have success (whether that is now or when the adoptee decides it is the right time on their own).

                        However, this discussion really is not appropriate for a DNA discussion group. It has gone outside the realm of DNA. There are better groups out there where this could be discussed.

                        As such, I have closed this discussion. Thank you all for your understanding.

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