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FTDNA screwed up my life

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  • #31
    Originally posted by Germanica View Post
    Sorry, I'm still not seeing anything in that article that says "admit the fact and seriousness but refuse to learn more about it".
    It lists the following types:
    3.5 Denial of awareness - not an addiction/mental health situation

    (I edited your response for the sake of brevity.)

    Again quoting Wiki:
    Denial of awareness

    This form of denial attempts to divert pain by claiming that the level of awareness was inhibited by some mitigating variable. This is most typically seen in addiction situations where drug or alcohol abuse is a factor, though it also occasionally manifests itself in relation to mental health issues or the pharmaceutical substances used to treat mental health issues. This form of denial may also overlap with denial of responsibility.[12]
    This form of denial is not exclusive to addiction. Hans told us that his mother refuses to take a DNA test. The "gyrations" that he also mentioned are obviously more than a simple "no thanks, son". She refuses to become aware and is denying her son the opportunity to learn that which she doesn't want him to discover. Her motive is unstated. Hypothesizing about "why" is irrelevant. The undeniable end result is that she is denying her son the opportunity to learn that which she doesn't want him and/or herself to discover.

    You can call this anything you want to call it, including arguing with me in your attempt at parsing the term of denial. But obviously there is a psychological problem present between Hans and his mother.

    Then what exactly did you mean by "No, FTDNA did not "screw up your life". Your mother did."?
    Although she is not involved in this discussion, Hans' mother is a participant in his situation. She is preventing him from discovery of both his and her past. That is a denial of awareness. SHE is the one inhibiting that, NOT FTDNA.

    Hans's shifting the blame to FTDNA, stated as "FTDNA screwed up my life" is this, another aspect of denial:

    Denial of responsibility

    This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by:
    blaming: a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact
    Germanica continues:
    LOL! Oh, no, I'm so scared, what are you going to do?
    The more emotionally laden sarcasm you spew, the less respect you will garner from others - unless they are your pals, waiting in the wings to add support to your cause.

    But who says a family tree has to be about "traditional genealogy?" You?
    We've already covered this point. You are an advocate for a family tree being anything you want it to be, and you espouse the advancement of that radical position.
    Show me a genealogical society or organization that requires all family trees to be genetic ones.
    Ah, in radicalism it's good to have newly formed societies and organizations that also accept the radical view, allow it and profit from it.
    My point is, everyone can decide what constitutes their family tree for themselves... but stating your opinion as though it's a fact and trying to impose your opinion on everyone else's tree is rude, insensitive, arrogant, patronizing, and just plain wrong.
    It is not surprising that you call me names such as "rude, insensitive, arrogant, patronizing, and just plain wrong". Your blatent sarcasm, name calling and ad hominem attacks demonstrates your insecurity and lack of having a convincing argument.

    The fact remains that anyone's genealogical DNA record, as illustrated in the traditional form of a graph is what is traditionally called a "family tree". Despite all your argumentation, you don't get to redefine that concept or that reality.
    Last edited by Carpathian; 7 July 2017, 09:28 PM.


    • #32
      I didn't go into testing thinking I wouldn't be surprised by one thing or another. There were a few migrations on both sides of my family and I knew about the NPEs others had discovered--I read for months before taking the test and even while waiting for it to process. My husband thought he may have been the result of a NPE, but his DNA proved otherwise. That's what it's about--finding the truth, whatever it may be.

      Hans, your mom refuses to take the test now, but you still have time to persuade her otherwise. My mom is thousands of miles away and has Alzheimer's. I sent her a kit in February and I'm losing hope that she'll ever get it done. If I could go help her do it, I would, but I can't at this point. Hopefully she'll still be alive when I finally can go. I had thought about having it sent to her only remaining full brother, but I asked him for his address over a month ago and he never gave it to me.

      I'm sorry that you spent a lot of time and money and it feels wasted now, but it you're honestly interested in your true genealogy, I'd think you'd be mad at your maternal grandmother who got pregnant by another man, not the company which showed you the truth--which you wouldn't have otherwise known. You have to ask yourself what's really important to you. If the truth is too much for you, no one is going to force you to change your tree.


      • #33
        Rather than continue to discuss specific definitions here let's allow the original poster to reply to what has posted. Otherwise, let's walk away from this conversation.

        Family Tree DNA


        • #34
          Please read the post by Darren, the forum moderator, at He's very wisely suggested that the thread has gone off on a repetitive tangent about semantic definitions that you and other posters disagree about.

          Why not drop what amounts to a tedious argument over definitions? If the original poster has some responses to you and others who've posted in this thread, that would be much more relevant (and far less boring) than what's been posted here since the original post.


          • #35
            Originally posted by Darren View Post
            Rather than continue to discuss specific definitions here let's allow the original poster to reply to what has posted. Otherwise, let's walk away from this conversation.

            Family Tree DNA
            In post #25 I stated:

            Why don't we wait for the OP to respond, now that he has heard differing opinions? He sought our opinions and heard our differing responses. He can decide for himself, as he must, ultimately.
            I agree wholeheartedly, both now and as I previously stated. Thanks for your affirmative input. Let's await the OP's response.


            • #36
              Originally posted by Carpathian View Post
              In post #25 I stated:

              I agree wholeheartedly, both now and as I previously stated. Thanks for your affirmative input. Let's await the OP's response.
              I think he has been scared away.


              • #37
                I think we all have to realize, we are only human. My husband's grandmother was a down-to-earth fabulous lady. One day she was telling me about a friend of hers that had a grand daughter who was pregnant and not married. She threw her hands in the air and said something like, Ach! Do you think we didn't raise our skirts when we were young? And do you think women were never raped? You will love that baby once your eyes see it.


                • #38
                  FTDNA results opened the door to

                  Whatever acronym is now in regarding finding out that decades of research based on the paper trail has now genetically via DNA that I am not biologically the surname I reverted to after more than a decade of divorce via a Legal Name Change.

                  I am now on the THIRD avenue of "this one MIGHT be your dad" and I am impatient.

                  At times I have myself so upset I was twisting in the wind, either crying, laughing or angry or hysterical as I'd already gone the route of asking my paper trail father if he had ANY reason to doubt I was his child.

                  It turns out that once I started speaking there were those in the little town who KNEW way more than I even know about my own life. It's rather appalling that the latest.. "all the pegs fall into the right holes" best friend was on the jury of my step-father and told her ALL sorts of information that my sisters (both 1/2 sisters) have never told one another. THAT literally makes me vomit in my mouth.. I kid you not.

                  On the other hand, having met the latest DNA donor and spoken to two of her siblings.. I felt more welcome than I do in my own family at this time.

                  UNTIL I was at a family reunion.. hiding because I was crying (self-pity)... the woman I know as my step-mother.. hugged me as I cried and whispered: "Never mind. Now you have TWO families"...... SHE and most of the town knew the whole story BEFORE I was born almost 65 years ago.

                  Whether DNA proves yay or nay, it's been a journey.

                  I've found out "who loves you baby." blood or not, matching genes or not.. warts and all. I am loved as I am.

                  Should the latest donor prove to be a genetic match, there will be a new BRANCH of the family tree database whose roots were already tangled as that TOO is part of the human condition.

                  It takes time to process AND to find enough living people who WILL submit a donation of DNA. Some never will. That too is their right.


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by DADIG View Post
                    ...SHE and most of the town knew the whole story BEFORE I was born almost 65 years ago.
                    That's what denial IS. It affects individuals, families, and even entire towns. It involves defensiveness, weakness and even cowardice.

                    As stressful and distressing as your situation seems, this experience can make you stronger and more resilient, if you are open to acceptance of the weaknesses of those who denied you your identity of self. You need not accept or forgive them for their actions. You only need to understand that action and its outcome. If you can understand that, you will become stronger then they were - and never do the same to anyone that which was done to you. That change will be a major step forward affecting future generations.

                    Adversity can build character and strength. Only you can utilize adversity as an opportunity to make yourself stronger and more resilient.