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More of a Grumble than a Gripe

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  • #16
    I have yet to reach out to anyone, but I can imagine it has to be frustrating. That said, I have had a few reach out to me...

    One set of relatives is working mutually with me to solve a puzzle to find the missing piece to their family tree. I have 1 match from their family, but several of their family with a vested interest. They seem to branch off of a known part of my tree, but we can't figure out where yet (other than they have a matriarch with my matching surname). It is an interesting puzzle I hope we solve. I don't think it will help me figure out more UPWARD pieces to my family tree, but instead more side branches, which is OK, but doesn't matter as much to me other than further confirming my ancestor line through matching relatives. Still, I am fascinated because we are BOTH engaged.

    Then I have several who have reached out... expecting me to provide information... without doing much of anything to reciprocate. It is almost as if they expect ME to figure out where THEY fit into MY tree, and want ME to do all the work. I am totally not into that. I find it beyond annoying that I go out of my way to reply to their e-mails then they do not respond to mine.

    If someone doesn't want to find answers to your puzzle, not a whole lot you can do about it! I find it silly that they took the DNA test if they aren't interested in solving family tree mysteries, but to each their own!

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    • #17
      I named them "Ancestry people"

      Originally posted by jsarnacki View Post
      [----] Then I have several who have reached out... expecting me to provide information... without doing much of anything to reciprocate. It is almost as if they expect ME to figure out where THEY fit into MY tree, and want ME to do all the work. I am totally not into that. I find it beyond annoying that I go out of my way to reply to their e-mails then they do not respond to mine. [----]
      And the name is after the company...

      W. (Mr.)

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      • #18
        My Own top match doesn't really want to try to find our link is interested in finding links but not with me, I guess it's because I can't tell him exactly where we match, I call these people Lazy genealogists!!!
        My dad has a group of people from the same family that match him, but no response to emails I've sent and some of these are his top matches..

        I actually think there should be an ability to rate people in terms of if they reply to mails or not!!!!

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        • #19
          Just curious, what value of "shared cM" is considered worthy of contact? My highest is 63.54 which doesn't seem like much when I see the bar gauge.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by ec1970 View Post
            Just curious, what value of "shared cM" is considered worthy of contact? My highest is 63.54 which doesn't seem like much when I see the bar gauge.
            I would rather use Longest Block as the indicator.

            Assuming that your ancestors are not from the endogamous populations, I would always try to reach out to those with whom the Longest Block is at least 20 cM. Then depending on your time and resources, I would to try to contact those with the Longest Block of at least 15 cM.

            Just for a comparison, out of my two known 4th cousins who had tested, one is not a match to me in Family Finder, with the other one we have the Longest Block slightly above 11 cM. My known 5th cousin twice removed has the Longest Block shared with me above 16 cM.

            W. (Mr.)

            P.S.
            I would also be prioritizing the contacts based on the proximity of the places their ancestors lived to places my ancestors lived. If that information is available.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by dna View Post
              P.S.
              I would also be prioritizing the contacts based on the proximity of the places their ancestors lived to places my ancestors lived. If that information is available.
              This is my next biggest frustration... lack of tree or tree that extends beyond just a couple people! I know I too have grappled with this dilemma... my tree is just too huge to just transfer her, and risk accidently leaking too much personal information. I kept posting and deleting my tree until I came up with a tree I feel comfortable posting. It is my complete ancestor only tree, meaning all known ancestors are listed... but to make it I had to sacrifice dates/locations. BUT... at least I have a tree people can actually look at! Then, if someone wants more information, they can e-mail and I can link them to a real tree should I feel the match is worthy of a look lol. I say "worthy" because of my experiences with those who want my information without reciprocating lol. So... no dates... no locations... but many many generations of names to look through to start out. I have found 3-4 matches that I have been able to link to a common ancestor just by looking at their tree and knowing we share a common ancestor who is already in mine.

              And I like that suggestion... e-mailing those with only 20cm+ of Longest Block of matching DNA. That weeds out a LOT.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by jsarnacki View Post
                [----] And I like that suggestion... e-mailing those with only 20cm+ of Longest Block of matching DNA. That weeds out a LOT.
                That is only a starting point, please remember that I have shown that the people I know as my family (and other DNA tests confirmed that!) did not satisfy the 20 cM criteria

                W. (Mr.)

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                • #23
                  When I receive no response or the match does not post a tree, I Google the email and their name. Sometimes I get lucky with some posts on genealogy forums.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by dna View Post
                    That is only a starting point, please remember that I have shown that the people I know as my family (and other DNA tests confirmed that!) did not satisfy the 20 cM criteria

                    W. (Mr.)
                    I just meant using that as criteria as to whether or not to waste time pursuing people by e-mail to start off when you have nothing else to go by... I do know people can be match with a lot closer DNA. I have 82 pages of matches and very few of them have obvious clues as to how they match or MIGHT match. I could e-mail every single one of them... or I can focus on the ones with 20cM or more Longest Block of matching DNA and see where that leads me. I like the second option It is also a good place to start to decide how much effort I want to put into attempting to help someone who doesn't want to return the favor lol

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Time Traveler View Post
                      When I receive no response or the match does not post a tree, I Google the email and their name. Sometimes I get lucky with some posts on genealogy forums.
                      That is a good idea too. I have done that elsewhere, but not with DNA matches.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Time Traveler View Post
                        When I receive no response or the match does not post a tree, I Google the email and their name. Sometimes I get lucky with some posts on genealogy forums.

                        Another little trick is to take the first part of the email (not the @company.com etc) and go to Ancestry, if you have an account, and search the member directory. I've lucked out a few that way..not many...but a few.

                        Also, sometimes the match will have the most distant ancestor listed in their profile with a date and if you are lucky a place. You can use the search option on Ancestry and sometimes that will turn up family trees which could be of some help.

                        So much for 'privacy' but IMHO (and I've told many this), if you are interested in privacy, genealogy isn't the place to be. Plus, if you don't want to find out the truth then maybe genealogy isn't the place for you either. Those who are interested in only finding out if they descend from kings, queens and presidents....I have no use for

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Tenn4ever View Post
                          So much for 'privacy' but IMHO (and I've told many this), if you are interested in privacy, genealogy isn't the place to be. Plus, if you don't want to find out the truth then maybe genealogy isn't the place for you either. Those who are interested in only finding out if they descend from kings, queens and presidents....I have no use for
                          LOL... SO TRUE!I do try to protect my tree, but only because I have so many living "cousins" and out of respect for those relatives who have shared their research with me. But... so much information that is on any of our trees can be found elsewhere if someone is really looking for it. And who knows what skeletons are going to fall out of your closet once you unlock those doors! I am relieved I haven't found any... yet... but wouldn't be surprised if there are some secret illegitimate children out there somewhere in my tree! I was teasing my mom last night... she kept asking me if I was on my dad's match list. What she meant was did I share his ethnicity or hers, but I couldn't help but give her a very hard time asking who COULD HAVE been my father if I hadn't matched my dad! LOL She even asked if I am on HER match list and I teased her and said "No, you are NOT my mother"! She was laughing hysterically but didn't know how to ask the right question to get the answer she was wanting to know lol

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                          • #28
                            One reason for dismissive responses to emails

                            Regarding matches who don't respond to emails, I too have had many non-replies and one-liners etc., but I have a possible explanation. Many of us manage accounts for a number of relatives - I have had several 2nd cousins tested who aren't interested in family history, so emails are directed to me. Second cousins have 3 grandparents who are not blood relatives of mine so I'm neither interested in them nor do I usually know anything about them. However, I always respond to emails and explain why I'm not able to help very much.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by jonga View Post
                              Regarding matches who don't respond to emails, I too have had many non-replies and one-liners etc., but I have a possible explanation. Many of us manage accounts for a number of relatives - I have had several 2nd cousins tested who aren't interested in family history, so emails are directed to me. Second cousins have 3 grandparents who are not blood relatives of mine so I'm neither interested in them nor do I usually know anything about them. However, I always respond to emails and explain why I'm not able to help very much.
                              I have 11 kits and people are writing to me all the time about ancestors which are on other family lines. Sometimes the person doesn't identify the person they are addressing so I either I have to go to all my kits and try to figure out who this person matches or write them back and explain the situation. Then I advise them I am only researching a certain line. I usually refer them to a public tree on Ancestry which follows that line or have them look at the family line available on FTDNA. I have all of my kits trees on FT although these trees are not very informative in my opinion. I also forward their email to the cousin who may or may not be interested in replying to them but they can at least try. I also advise the cousin that I am sending them an email from someone who was interested in one of his family lines other than the one I am researching/the one we have in common.

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