Go Back   Family Tree DNA Forums > General Interest > Adoptees Forum

Adoptees Forum This is a forum for adoptees and descendants of adoptees to share their research experiences and exchange information as well as tips. This board is open to customers and visitors.

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th May 2018, 05:55 PM
keigh keigh is offline
FTDNA Customer
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 477
Several years ago, I was on another site and this question of what to tell a half sibling was being discussed. I explained how my siblings and I had reached an agreement as to what should be shared with a previously unknown close relative that had found a connection to us using DNA. Our views of the matter have been previously stated.

But there was another person on the other site who explained his not wanting to have to deal with such a situation. He said basically that all he'd be able to tell someone was that they should get down on their knees and thank God that they'd been adopted and hadn't been raised by the bio dad. It seemed that he had no interest in dredging up unpleasant memories and sharing them with someone else. He didn't know how to answer the question "What can you tell me about my father?" without being honest and causing pain.
Reply With Quote
Old 15th May 2018, 07:15 AM
Philip Philip is offline
FTDNA Customer
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 2
thanks to all for repsonding

Thanks to everyone who replied.

I appreciate the feedback. It is an interesting situation when you move from an academic discussion to actually being impacted. You have competing emotions and no clear answer.

I immediately made contact with the half-sib and family and was open to a friendship from the beginning. My personal response to the new family was never in doubt. How to move beyond and share the information with my full siblings has proved to be more perplexing. With genealogy we are taught to be sensitive to how we handle information regarding the living.

While I agree that withholding the information from others might lead to hurt feelings, disclosing the information also leads to hurt feelings. At a purely emotional level I know what I want to do, but my respect of individual privacy is very strong.

The discussion of what makes a family is an interesting topic, the "nurture vs nature" idea....it kinda made me think of this quote from Forest Gump: I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze. But I think maybe it's both. Maybe both are happening at the same time.
Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2018, 10:01 PM
BBA64 BBA64 is offline
FTDNA Customer
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 125
I came to the thread rather late, and enjoyed reading the thoughtful responses. I think they are uncommonly good.

I was adopted and have found my birthparents. Each one has responded differently. I used mediated contact for my birthmother who appeared quite alarmed by the contact. She did relay medical information (which is helpful and confirming), but wanted no further contact. It is a request I honor.

I determined my birth father, but did not reach out. A couple years ago, I made the determination, and further matches have done nothing but solidify that determination (to the point where bio-dad tested, unaware of me). I reached out, and let him know I was not out to disturb the apple cart, but would appreciate medical information and perhaps occasional contact if mutually agreed upon. Silence has been the response.

Having five half-siblings that are completely in the dark about me is somewhat frustrating (especially since one could pass for a twin of me, obviously separated in time by a few years). Eventually, the "secret" will get out. The closeness of connections will be hard to rationalize away. I know the reactions will run the gamut. Hopefully, when this time comes, the fact that I've known and stayed in the periphery at birthparent request will be obvious, and obvious I haven't sought to toss aside concerns about privacy.

Regarding what to say to other connections, it's hard to say, but DNA evidence is hard to refute. Adoptees are adept at figuring things out... What you can do is drop breadcrumbs - enough to head somebody on the right path. That way, the journey the searcher completes, they've accomplished on their own. You also don't get called out for not minding your own business by the target of the search.

There is fear in the unknown, and everyone reacts differently. Tread lightly and thoughtfully, then at least you can say you went about it compassionately.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote
Old 26th June 2018, 07:57 AM
ec1970 ec1970 is offline
FTDNA Customer
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 41
I started a similar thread a while ago on the ethics of exposing secrets.

I am an NPE. My bio-father's brother showed up as an extremely close family match to me on Ancestry. I have not made contact and neither has he, but I am betting it has more to do with him not understanding how to use the Ancestry DNA interface or not understanding what the results mean.

I was able to follow the life events of my bio-dad's family from one daughter's completely open Facebook account. They seem like a really nice, close-knit family. Plus they are all golf nuts and I am the only one in my family who plays golf. Is golf genetic? Maybe? So that is the only thing that I feel sad about. I'd like to be friendly with my half-siblings, none of them appear to be psycho-killers. I have not made contact because my bio-dad's marriage that he was in when I was conceived is still going strong. Who am I to shatter that illusion?
Reply With Quote
Old 26th June 2018, 08:42 AM
Biblioteque Biblioteque is offline
FTDNA Customer
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 544
Blog Entries: 1
I know a 43 year old male who is an only child. He has a female half sibling who is also an only child. They do not know about each other because it is forbidden information. So sad. So many secrets........
Reply With Quote


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Error in family finder's family tree How do I fix it. Icon24 DNA and Genealogy for Beginners 1 17th September 2017 12:31 AM
Webinar 5/29: Family Tree DNA Results Explained: Family Finder Inheritance & Matching efgen Announcements and New Features 0 28th May 2014 06:12 PM
FREE Webinar - Family Tree DNA Feature Launch: X Chromosome Matches in Family Finder Rebekah Canada X-DNA Basics 2 24th January 2014 07:27 PM
Family Finder Success! Family Found! Stevo DNA Success Stories 14 13th March 2013 07:40 PM

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:27 AM.

Family Tree DNA - World Headquarters

1445 North Loop West, Suite 820
Houston, Texas 77008, USA

Phone: (713) 868-1438 | Fax: (832) 201-7147
Copyright 2001-2010 Genealogy by Genetics, Ltd.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.